“I am angry, I am very angry, I am furious.”

Aforementioned, examinations are over and now lies the nerve-wrecking post-mortem. I heard her brusque footsteps coming from behind, as I readied my desk for the lesson to begin. It was the first lesson of the day and I thought it was going to be a good start, especially so since I heard that many did decently well. How wrong I was.

Apparently not long after, “Miranda Priestly” with her no-nonsense and austere-looking mien started chastising us.

You have wasted the whole of Term 3.

If you are not capable of getting a B easily, you will trouble getting an A in a month’s time.

XXX, are you satisfied?

YYY, are you happy?

I am angry, I am very angry, I am furious!

The moment “Miranda Priestly” opened her pursed lips, all forms of lively chatter dispersed and disintegrated, not out of respect but rather of fear. Basically echoing a unified expression of morose and sheer sullenness; a literal pin-drop silence.

Truth to be told, I am not satisfied, for I could have done so much better, and looking back I see a need to question myself,

Have I neglected the importance of active application in the past month?

However willful I am, I will still need to come to terms with answer, which is a resounding “YES!” that came from my heart.

A subject that I thoroughly enjoyed, General Paper is my pride and joy just like how a father is proud of her daughter, or a mother to her son. I love writing and it is as simple as that, and I guess that is the sole reason for it being my pride and joy. Or so I thought.

You see another theory exists, and that is I am perhaps proud of the subject not because I enjoyed writing, but rather in virtue of the fact that I am scoring better at it. I mean if I was to enjoy writing as much as I claim to be, I would have excelled in other subjects as well. Subjects that demands the similar intensity of expression of ideas and content, or if not more. Hah, the contradiction.

While I may seem to radiate an aura of despondence, I am however glad to have been reminded of this sad reality, a wake-up call. I need to better myself and not act like those who only know how to yammer and bemoan, which serves to be a painful, irritable, and unworthy reminder to those who have done much much worser.

That being said, I guess the sole point of this piece is to find redemption and assurance that I may not be as bad as it seem.

One Sentence, Two Prisoners

“My life . . . is a burden to those I love.”

Nonsense & Shenanigans

I’ve been watching Orange is the New Black. I finally caved.

I’m not finding it as enjoyable as I was expecting after all the hoopla I’ve heard from other people, but it’s not bad.

Piper’s annoying, I’m in love with Nicky, blah blah blah.

But something about the show really bugs me. They make Larry seem like the bad guy for being affected by his fiance’s incarceration.

Let me just say this right now — being the loved one of someone in prison is often like being in prison yourself. And it’s perfectly fine to feel that way.

I’ll admit I’ve only watched most of the first season, so maybe they address this. Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. Maybe Piper is going to be the bitch for acting all woe-is-me on Larry’s ass. But maybe not, so I’m writing this anyway.

jail

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Skinny is not a compliment and Social Justice is exhausting

I am not entirely sure about complimenting others now.

Sincerely, Jess

Screen Shot 2014-09-23 at 2.21.25 PM I sent this photo to my Godsister. Her response was “Cute outfit, you look skinny 🙂 !” My rebuttal was “Thanks. It’s a façade” to which she was annoyed. It made me think about my current research…telling people they look skinny should not automatically be a compliment. Skinny is just fine, but so is my body just the way it is. Which is not, nor has it ever been skinny. #FatStudies #WomensStudies

I had an interesting exchange with my godsister yesterday.  I sent her a photo of an outfit I was wearing and she commented that she loved the outfit and that I was looking skinny.  I told her no I wasn’t, it was a facade and she said “ugh okay whatever” obviously annoyed at my inability to “take the compliment.” Here’s the thing though, why is looking skinny a compliment?

Granted, my reaction was steeped in fat-positive and fat studies…

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Reflection After Prelims

I have the irksome trouble of starting an introductory paragraph on essays or on blog posts. Do not get me wrong, I do know what I want to write, how I want to write, and why I want to write. The problematic part was how I introduce it, such that it sounds genuine, neutral and eloquent. These three characteristics, in my opinion, hold the key to persuade, inspire and enrich others by casting a captivating humble initial impression. That is why I daresay that a lack of good first impression can at times lead to one’s demise. After all, without the head, the body will cease to function. Funny enough, I am not alone, for this is a problem that burdens many students, teachers, authors, professors and even governors.

That being said, the above example seems to reflect a thing or two about one having a good head start or a good foundation in many possible aspects.

To my elation, though I am positive that it would be a short-termed one, I have completed my last major college-based examinations. It was a gruelling struggle and I doubt I improved enough to make a difference, or even attain a laudable achievement that can perhaps motivate me further. I am sure that the days to come will no doubt instil a sense of panic and fear, simply put a living hell.

I agree with the theory that states that examinations show the level of syllabus understanding a student possess, as well as the quote by Socrates that states, “The unexamined life is not worth living”. I firmly believed that if one was to not examine, one will not think with clarity and critically, essentially being a person who grows with experience rather than a person who grows because of understanding these experiences. (There is a difference!) Examinations serve to measure how well one is able to comprehend the experiences and knowing its application. Furthermore, there is a need to be examined. The basis that human thrive on mutual interaction proves so because without such examinations, it simply proves that there no one is monitoring your progress. In context, without examinations, schools are not doing their duty in raising students of calibre for our cutthroat world.

How then does a good introduction, or a good head start, or a good foundation have a relationship is important? The answer has been mentioned and it is: experience.

Experiences are important in shaping people, empowering them, and crafting their future. Back when I was J1, I was passionate about learning, but I was lazy. I do not have the maturity to make full use of my time and ensuring that the experiences I have collated (seminars, lessons etc) were constantly reviewed. As a result, I struggled and I am still struggling. I attended the entire “Meet the Parents Session” in JC, and never have I felt that great sense of burden and guilt of letting down my parents, who have invested so much in me, hit me so hard. Because, I thought I could make do with last minute studying, I procrastinated and I paid for it. This is the sole experience I manage to salvage from the whole of last year, and this year I thought, for once, I could do it.

So far, I couldn’t sadly. Tests after tests, exams after exams, I failed. Thankfully, I have so many close friends and great teachers, who constantly give me encouragement and hope. So, all I need to do was to have resilience.

To quote a very close motivator of mine, “Never for a moment think that other people have it better. I know many of my students (you too, probably) like to think that I probably had it easier. The truth is, I didn’t. I was pushed to my limits and i emerged a better individual than before. So press on, and don’t lose hope! It’s perfectly fine to feel tired and lifeless, but it is important not to dwell in them!

Truth to be told, I do not even know whether I will be able to make it, but I guess all I have to do is to stay happy and give my best, and cherish the last few moments I get to spend my time in JC. If you are troubled with studying, chin up for it will get better. Remember, you entered the college as a stone, and you will leave as a sparkling diamond.

 

PS: To that motivator, all the best in Finland! Don’t come back with some kind of accent. XD

What Students Really Need to Hear

AFFECTIVE LIVING

It’s 4 a.m.  I’ve struggled for the last hour to go to sleep.  But, I can’t.  Yet again, I am tossing and turning, unable to shut down my brain.  Why?  Because I am stressed about my students.  Really stressed.  I’m so stressed that I can only think to write down what I really want to say — the real truth I’ve been needing to say — and vow to myself that I will let my students hear what I really think tomorrow.

This is what students really need to hear:

First, you need to know right now that I care about you. In fact, I care about you more than you may care about yourself.  And I care not just about your grades or your test scores, but about you as a person. And, because I care, I need to be honest with you. Do I have permission to be…

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Reflections on Day 2 of Prelims

Yet another day wasted on getting entertained, then again, the time one enjoys wasting is not wasted time.

As of now, I have to admit that I am a pro at procrastinating, just like my parents. (No, I am not pushing the blame on them.) So, now lies the question that demands an urgent solution, “How the fuck do I deal with distractions and procrastination?”

I do hope that the answer can help me avoid the worst case scenario as stated by Mr Orwell in his essay back in 1946.

But an effect can become a cause, reinforcing the original cause and producing the same effect in an intensified form, and so on indefinitely. A man may take to drink because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks.

Continue reading “Reflections on Day 2 of Prelims”

Reflections on Day 1 of Prelims

The first thing I did in the morning, before brushing my teeth, before getting ready for school, before the examinations began, was to light the joss sticks and place them on the altar in front of the statue of the Goddess of Mercy, praying the for luck, health, strength and courage. Just this morning, I became a hardcore devotee to Buddhism.

The first person I talked to was a close friend of mine. As per normal, she wore her signature look, at least to me it’s a signature, one that showed no emotions but threatens a potent wrath if antagonized. For no particular reason but from her unique facial expression, she reminded me of the sea: calm and solace, and at times choppy. A pleasant clean freak, she at times can be the problematic to handle, just like how it is impossible to remove a dried mucus, which cannot be cleared from the normal blowing, in public without using a tissue to hide the pinky. Albeit that, we are very close friends.

The first thing I felt after conquering , or rather slogging through the day’s papers was utter lethargy. Not relief, not stress, but lethargy. Ironically speaking, I wasn’t really entirely frazzled but there is within me a part that refuses to cope with the need to have the clarity of thought. The papers were manageable, but nonetheless the outcomes are bound to display a rather dismal picture. I guess I have only myself to blame. Long story short, I screw up at the most convenient time of the year.

The first person I talked to after the last paper was the girl seated across the aisle, beside me. She looked exhausted:her hair ruffled, and her gaze seemingly portrayed the message of a desperate need for sleep, her hunched but lady-like demeanor rested against the desk emits an aura of austerity yet confidence. She herself is a goddess. One who reminded me as well as others about the stark inferiority we possess. Cruel yet beautiful. Regardless, we are still close friends.

There are many first times in life and today reminded me of the many first times. I do think that first times are important, after all they are the outcomes of decisions, which may be seemingly threatening yet fulfilling at the same time.

For instance ….

The first time I took my first puff was this year.
The first time I was overly self-conscious was this year.
The first time I wanted cheated was this year.
The first time I skipped lectures was this year.

And then there was ….

The first time I held a concert in JC was this year.
The first time I received a class award from my favorite teacher was this year.
The first time I did a proper pull-up was this year.
The first time I went to the gym was this year.

And also ….

The first time I danced on stage was when I was 6.
The first time I had an eye-candy was when I was 11.
The first time I returned home after midnight was when I was 13.
The first time I drank was when I was 14.
The first time I hosted was when I was 15.
The first time I worked was when I was 16.
The first time I ate beef was when I was 17.

Essentially, I have my many first times, both the good, the bad as well as the memorable ones. They do however depict the kind of person I am, and potentially will be. I firmly believe that one should cherish whatever opportunities one is hurled with and embrace the many first times. With regards to whether that first time will be the last, will then be the decision based on personal preferences.

But there is no other better ways to knowing me other than our mutual interactions. And perhaps, it would be our first but not the last time talking together.

It is 2339 and I shall turn in for the night whilst feeling a sense of accomplishment and at the same time a sense of dread for tomorrow’s paper.

PS. Apparently, this piece ain’t contain the power the previous piece had. The reason would be the lack of “emoness” within me at the moment. Trust me, last night was really a night that I literally almost vomit.

 

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