Reflections before Prelims

It’s already pass midnight. And here I am deliberating what should my next step in life be. (Wouldn’t you agree that the darkness and silence of the night offer ample rooms for self-reflection?)

It’s funny to see a change in me after entering JC. I didn’t expect such a change at all. Having received a grade decent enough to enter most courses in poly, I chose JC on the basis that one, I do not know where my interest is; two, MJC is closer to my place; three, call me a miser here but JC is considerably cheaper.

When I enter, I entered as an immature boy. I was curious yet stubborn, annoying yet restrained, happy yet never satisfied. In contrast today, I daresay I am stubborn and lazy, condescending and terrified, wiser and basically a bloke who lost hope in my prospects.

I used to admire scenes in movies or tv series where neatly-dressed, respectable young adults would emit an aura of austerity whilst walking down the aisle of a courtroom or perhaps a well-established office of a company, all because of the certified and recognized (both qualities must go hand in hand) education he/she received. This admiration turned into aspiration, which at one glance may be a fortunate thing as it served as a source of motivation. Well, who doesn’t want to live the life of a person of success in modern day 21st century? However as of the current moment, the dream has long gone with the wind.

It may seem impossible but I do believe that tertiary education do expose individuals to their own inner demon. If you cannot conquer it, you are doomed forever, especially so since that demon possess a close correlation with your personal wellbeing.

Firstly, it exposes you to lust. The lust for popularity is amongst the culprit to my somewhat demise and I believe to the demise of many more. The number of Instagram/Twitter/Facebook likes, or the followers, or the filtering used in every single picture, as well as the caption, all play an important role in portraying self-images. I my opinion, that means losing focus. And that is not what you want while pursuing higher order eduction or whilst honing professional skills. The lust for fulfilment is then the other culprit. Having that little bit of cash, which inspires myself to indulge in a life of decadence, be it food or attire or concerts, will eventually spur me to go on a voyage of flaunting to the public by establishing my social life on social media platforms, which in turn fuel my perfectionistic image. It is a vicious cycle (I wrote viscous initially lol), with each cycle spiraling me towards the depths of hell.

Secondly, it exposes you to people. Ten plus years of education and interactions is bound to give one enough experience to determine who is genuinely kind, and who is a self-centred freak, and who is a vanity whore. And from then, you characterize those with similar ideals as one deserving to be in your clique, those with strangely foreign but intriguing ideals as “to be stalked later”, and finally those with strangely foreign but revolting ideals as “friends” to be avoided. And each of these categories can be shared amongst other just like how I have a group of buddies against a particular person who happens to be nicknamed as the son of a couple of a shipwrecked, or parents of Elsa from “Frozen”. That’s not all. I recall a phrase, ” To truly know someone, place them under pressure.” Yeap, tertiary education offers you a whole lot of that. After all, people are self-centered and strive for their ideals. I’m certain we have all seen dickheads and bitches who each needs a tight slap across the face. But what is worrying is that, sometimes the pressure faced can show a lot more about yourself. How you cope under pressure? What means you would go to under pressure? Etc… With that, I derived at a conclusion that I am scared of myself, and seems to be losing hope of attaining sanity.

Thirdly, it exposes you to knowledge, both the good and the bad. It may be the triumph of a nation pride who attained an award or even the ruthless war that broke out or even the breakthrough in medical science. The funny thing about knowledge is that it is able to shape your outlook by very frequently tugging on your heartstrings. The triumph of the national pride may instill a sense of unity and belonging, while the outbreak of war may invoke hatred and sympathy amongst many, or the medical breakthrough that have a life-changing effect on the lives of those in peril. JC defintely exposes me to alot of knowledge and my failure to sort them sorta is the crucial key to my impending failure.

It is now 0100, and I guess I am ready to accept my fate.

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