disdain and repugnance.

Funny how I have always been saying that life isn’t fair, and there I am always wanting grasp the better end of the stick. And when I don’t, I, more often than not, let out a big fuss. Which in other words also meant that I have become an unhappy, pessimistic, cynical, self-centred and rude prick. Such self-invoked evolution is not without reason.

We all have our own problems. Everyone’s different. Some have theirs bigger, graver and more dismal while at the same time there are some who have problems that are so much less severe. Regardless, problems are still burdens, created to provide nothing but unnecessary pressure and perhaps a deluded sense of fufilment when they are overcome. The thing about problems is that sometimes, just those unfortunate rare instances, they can stockpile and add up to a great deal of stress and pressure even though each individual problem may have no correlation with one another. As such, breaking the mental threshold and resilience of one person. And it just so happened that yours truly just got himself entangled in a mess of shit. Here’s the synopsis:

About 2 weeks ago, I received my A-levels Cambridge Examinations grades. I did not fare well to qualify to local universities. I braced myself then, but that feeling of regret and shame still manifested itself. My parents were not entirely please, for this is the first time I have let them down so badly. That spelled trouble for me because I am starting to get paranoid. Will I get into university? How will the others react? What other choices should I do? Long story short, it was a bad start and I could not finalise a decisive path to answer my beloved kin.

Then comes Field Camp, a 4 days camp where recruits are dispatch out to hone their combat skills in the jungle to become a better soldier. I divined myself crawling through the mud, consuming stale food rations, getting punished for the sloppy movements and more. I was right. But I braced on and completed it. By then, I was frazzled.

On the 5th day, there is this Situational Test (SIT Test, for short), a final activity that takes place after the completion of Field Camp to test the recruits capability to lead in a self-induced stressful environment, essentially an important test for those who wants to be commanders. That morning, I blech and puked everything out. And because I had diarrhea the night before, I had no choice but to be sent back to the medical centre for treatment. That day, I did not take my SIT test.

It didn’t end here yet.

After a day of unpremeditated vomiting and diarrhea, a high 39.0 degrees temperature turned up the next day. I had no choice but to be sent home for 2 days, which I gladly took my time to recuperate. I ate little and drank little. I had no energy. I was frail.

And it still isn’t ending yet.

The day I returned to Pulau Tekong, with a body only slightly stronger, was the day I daresay I’ve gotten the biggest shock of my life. I was informed that because I did not manage to complete my SIT test, I need to redo my Field Camp with another company so that I can retake my SIT test. 2 Field Camps?! 1 extra week confined here?! (I disregard the fact where I was sent home on the basis of necessary recuperation and recovery.) That’s not fair!

First and foremost, I have already completed my Field Camp with my company for the four days (slept with them, shit with them, worked with them, trained with them) and now they are expecting me to redo it because I need to retake the test to qualify being a commander? I might as well retake the SIT Test?

Wait. What do you mean I have to be in the fatigue state of mind of having gone through field camp before I can proceed on with taking SIT test? I really cannot understand why other companies allowed retaking the SIT test as a choice and we don’t. But, you know what? I am not a fan of taking responsibilities, and I have no inkling to be a commander in the future. I would still like to opt out of the Field Camp that I have already completed.

Still a no.

The amount of stress – from the grades, the inability to get into a university, the disappointment, the sickness, the mere notion that I may have to redo something I already did/suffer the shit which I have already suffered, the other mere notion that if I missed the re-fieldcamp will result in me getting oot,when graduation is in a few weeks away- is starting to take its toll on me. I’m glad however that there are people who cared for me, and that little bit of care really is what pushed me on. All I want to say that I am very very tired, and I just want to give up. But giving up now is pointless.

I long for a voice to tell me with certainty what my choices are and how they will influence me. I long for a miracle. I long for …

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