“Go live your life Tom. It’s time to go.”
I knew this was over between us, and I should have expected it. Yet, in that moment when those words were uttered under your muffled voice, I could not help but marvel at your courage to become frank with your feelings. Yet it was also at this similar moment, the feelings of despair and regret started gushing in. All the moments we had spent together, all gone in a single conversation.
You see the truth is I already know what went wrong. You see I’m not as oblivious as you think I was. You see I have every single legitimate reason to be so. You see, you are my first love. I pretended that everything was fine and chose to be ignorant because I was still fervently holding onto the belief that such was a rite of passage amongst couples. It was just a simple dispute after all. Famous last thoughts.
I know relationship is a complicated and hefty thing. I know it does not only require mutual compromise, mutual dedication, genuine sincerity but also a lot on trust and materialistic dedication. One false move, and it may end. It is no wonder that someone once said, “Mutual congregation amongst couple is laborious to achieve but separation is a piece of cake.” That is why I once swore silently to uphold the aforementioned set of sacred values.
However, rather than standing by those values, I became possessive. I felt that I owned you and your life, and likewise mine is yours. I thought that you were answerable to me and that you will always ask for my approval to carry out whatever business you have. After all, I placed aside my interest and prioritised you above all else; I ignored my friends, my family and my ambitions.
I thought we were a steady couple. For we have each gone through so many ups and downs throughout our relationship.
There was a time when your grandma was sick. It was mid- August, on your birthday, you came to school as per normal, except this time with puffy red eyes and a forlorn expression. You were a complete wreck, a barely living body that has been tormented by pain and grieve. My heart ached as I did nothing but allowed you into my embrace while you poured everything out. It was your grandmother. She was hospitalised. She was struggling a battle that she cannot win. She was in pain. So were you. I recalled you tightening your grip around my waist, your head buried into my chest. Not long later, I felt a dampness on my chest. The tears came out slowly first, eventually streaming out quickly. I could do nothing.
There was another night when you were performing for a collegiate event, where you immersed yourself into your passion for dancing on stage. I was euphoric upon knowing that you were selected for this event, and I was more than euphoric when I saw you on stage. The way you beamed to the audiences as you leaped gracefully onto the stage, the way your hair flowed and shone under the fluorescent lights, the way you portrayed your wild but elegant demeanour on stage. You dominated the stage. It was a masterpiece. I was proud. I was very proud. Yet, I was a fool, for once again I failed to notice that it was a facade. I would have been oblivious to it not until you shed off that mask you donned for the stage. You knew that the show must go on and having that façade was necessary. Your dedication has yet again amazed me. That night I was unaware that my absence had hurt you. And yet again, I could do nothing but silently accept your embrace as you sobbed, your mascara and make up staining my shirt, and divulged that your ex had come and made a scene.
All these were enough reasons to make me enforce the vow that I had made to myself. I was determined not to let you hurt. I started becoming possessive. That was the beginning of our separation. The drift was unnoticeable but as time passes the cracks start to deepen and surfaced. And before long, we were struggling to mend that bridge. Or rather, it was you, Jean, who was trying to mend that bridge.
It came first as a small reminder.
“Don’t you have a meeting with Jonathan?”
Then a warning.
“Don’t be such a pusher.”
“Go live your life Tom. It’s time to go.”
Stay tune for part two….