Coming to Terms: Regret

The months, July and August, have been excruciating this year. It was filled with many sleepless nights, many of which I found myself deep in thoughts about things. Things that happened in the past. Things I regret. Things I regret regretting. I supposed they were a grim reminder of my own “downfall”: my horribly unsatisfiable Cambridge A-levels. There were other things too, but they all fall under the great category of how uncertain and potentially bleak my future is. What’s my plan now? What do I want to be? Where would I go now?

I have been dreading catch-up sessions with my friends. They were losing purpose. They were killing me. It was as if a small part of me went *poof* and vanished into thin air. But they were not entirely unenjoyable. Chats about university life were fun. I liked how my friends describe their campuses, the people they meet, their lectures and the new platforms available for them to explore their interests. This is a funny feeling, to feel both immensely proud that their perseverance paid off yet jealous because I could never be like them. (Or can I?) I am also guilty for being so ever sensitive.

We hear this statement rather frequently, ” To live with no regrets”. Victoria Beckham said it in her 73 questions Vogue interview in her shop in New York (I think). Even recently at the VMAs 2015 which featured the famous spat between Nicki and Miley, who the latter proclaimed that she was ok even when she did not win the VMAs back in 2008.

And there was this period of time, where I wanted to live by this motto. Possibly because I have been intoxicated by the famous celebrities who used them excessively, or perhaps it was because this motto gave off a sense of fulfilment to stand with confidence against all adversity.

I have reflected countless times.

So what if I screwed up and wasted my time in Junior College? I still made friends. I still gained invaluable experiences. I discovered my passion for hosting. What is wrong?

And then, it came to me in one of the nights over the last few months and has haunted me ever since.

All these are fragments of my deluded reassurance.

Why put on a facade? Who am I to say that I am fine? Why the constant reassurance? More importantly, how is there no regrets in life?

The things is, there are regrets. Be it the Beige leather jacket that you forgo buying, or the excursion to the zoo that you skipped to go to the arcade, or the chances you did not had the audacity and balls to take, or the decision made to quit the high-paying job to take care of your young children. (Don’t come barging at me with the argument stating how priceless it is to see your young one grows. I’m not denying it. But regret is a feeling; it is undeniable.)

No doubt I am at the age where mistakes are very frequently made, more often due to our inexperience rather than our foolishness. No one is irrational. Even madmen and sociopaths have logic. It is all about the perspective.

The truth is, I regret my choice of junior college. Things would have been better elsewhere – the people I get to meet, the activities I joined, the potential achievements, even my physique too. But what is the point to playing the “what if” game and cry over spilled milk? Nothing can change. Nothing can override the fact that my lacklusterness, my irresponsibility and immaturity were crucial elements to my pitfall.

I am the master of my destiny. I hold the future in my hands. At the end of the day, I make the difference. You see, I am the culprit.


9 thoughts on “Coming to Terms: Regret

  1. Good post, thanks for sharing. i think reflection is super helpful and important but regret not so much and as you find at the end, what good does it do? what can it change? i think we should be mindful of decisions we might have been better to have done differently but there is no long term point or help in being broken down by those things as we can’t change the past but we can make a better decision next time around – so be informed by the past but dwell in the present as you move towards the future.

    So hold the past lightly i would say and look back and see what advantages came out of attending the college you did and the experiences you have had and then plan well to do better from now on…

    But above all keep reflecting and moving forwards
    Keep on
    love brett fish

    1. Hey Brett fish,

      Thank you fot taking time and look at my little post. I have to admit I have been at a point of stagnation, being neither here nor there. That’s why I decided to write all my frustrations down, you know as a form of release. It’s better now! đŸ™‚

    1. Ch4rl13sm1th,

      Thank you for coming by and view my post. I think at some point in time we all will make a decision that somehow screws us up badly. The best way to know salvage tge situation is to one, know that you are guilty ; two, learn from it.

  2. Hi again,
    You mentioned in the Community Pool you follow back. I have a Follow to Follow Directory for people who want to follow those who follow them back. It is a perk for my followers. If you are interested, here is the link Follow my blog, put your blog link in the comments section, and I will be happy to add you. Check it out. There could be hundreds in the Directory all willing to follow you back.

  3. Hey a little late but I’m still here?
    Hullo. Anyways, after the end of the day the main thought in my mind is would you have known what would be better if you didn’t know what was worse? What’s better friends if u haven’t met the worse? What’s a better life of u haven’t live the worse? At this point in time if it’s hell you’re living in wouldn’t it only get better? It’s not deluded assurance if you’re constantly working to get better. If you have some idea of what to do next. Because life is made up of these ups and downs. Nobody’s life is better than the other because that is the very definition of it. You’re only in the dumps if you think you are. So it’s up to you to power that mind of yours. It’s still you choice. Take control or let it run it’s course. It’s all up to you. At the end of the day, the choice you make it’s what you make it to be.

    Guess what I’m trying to say is: now that you have come to terms with the blame know that you are always in power to make your life the life you want to live. (OMG I hate how I sound like some coach or empowerment advisor now. Ew. Whatever)

    Missing you many,

  4. Hi Ler Jun, sorry I don’t wish to reveal who I am, but you need to stop blaming yourself. This isn’t your fault or because of your ‘wrong choice’, the “meritocratic” system that we all revered when we were younger is just inherently saddistic and evil. It’s fundamentally rooted in an inablienable fact that not everyone can go to University, the “bell curve” inevitably needs someone to fail for everyone else to pass, and someone working in a sweatshop is paid 3 cents a month so that our clothes at H&M can be sold for $5.

    Stop wasting your life indulging in self-pity and romanticizing what else could’ve been done. Don’t like the flawed social hierarchy? Empower yourself to have the capacity to bring real change to the world.

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