You know the name, not the story.

I feel like I am going through a period of transition. And like many transitions, I have this stubborn mentality that this would be the last one. The thing about transition is that it is different from maturation. The thing about transition is that it is coerced.

Yes, I feel moody lately. But no, I am by no means depressed.  

This is part and parcel of an agonising process. It is agonising, and very much so especially since I let myself get exploited by emotions. I let the actions of others rule over my emotions, just like how water takes up the indefinite shapes in the palms of each individual. I get paranoid by the looks of others on their faces. I get overly elated by the achievements of others and feeling pathetic at the same time. I get dejected by the last messages on my phone, the cancelled lunch date, and the rejected phone calls.  One moment you can see me laughing like some hysteric, another moment you can see me quietly ignoring the people around me. One moment, you can see me eating normally and in the other you can see me opting for no food.

Reading Norwegian Wood was not a good idea. In fact, reading Murakami now is not the best choice. I almost let myself die as I plunged deeper and deeper into the context. Thank god I managed to slam the book shut, stand up and walk away. Thank god for the chocolate bars in the fridge. But he’s good. In a manner, he taught me to be more conscious of the danger signs.

I guess I miss out a big part about how people are more cynical these days. And also, how hypocritical I have been.

Humans are selfish. It is true. We all seek to find that external benefits from others.

Mistresses seek the man of another family out of love, but we all know they want the money.

Thieves seek their target for the monetary and material possessions.

Men are bias, to the ones who have sentimental value, to the ones who have monetary values, to the ones who possess futuristic benefits.

As of late, I have been meeting loads of people who are like that. They are toxic. Meeting them makes me realise that my social anxiety is not without basis. Do you know that I have social anxiety? Yeah, I have that. I didn’t even know it. The fear of meeting new people and the phobia on how they will judge you that follows.  

But there are some who are kind. Bless their soul and their life. If not for them, I would have been stranded in the ocean and who knows, probably get engulfed by it and become a denizen of the deep. Yet, the truth is that these people also have their stories. I really want to listen, to relieve of their burden just like how they did to me, but I am worried. Worried that I may be swayed away by the tides.

I wonder how at the end of the day, I would have change. I wish there is something that stays. But who knows? Frankly speaking, I don’t want to know. I just want to let myself be liberated.   

我的簡訊在你手機裡面哭
你不碰它孤獨
我像一隻金魚你看不到淚珠
只有那盆水才清楚

這一哭 誰一鬧 那一痛 誰一抱
那晚摔碎的魚缸陪我們睡不着
剩你我 兩隻魚 怎麼都 挨不到
陌生的躲掉擁抱

我就這樣好不好 記住你撐到七秒
你就不要急切的 趕走我撥起秒錶
我們就說好 我也盡力會做到
勾勾手誰都別賴掉

我就這樣好不好 趁最後再愛七秒
不管給我就算是 陌生的一個心跳
當我們說好 發現真的很難做到
有感情誰都賴不掉 賴不掉

 

View the translation here

Oh, and thank you for being there in my life. You beautiful people. You know who you are.

DCHM, LT, AKKA, LYH, GWJ, TBH, JYWK, ASYX… … …

Cr: to whoever posted this gif

Advertisements

crappy january

Every year is the same.

I begin each year with a renewed sense of excitement and a renewed sense of hope. Excited about the events that are bound to occur, hopeful about the achievements I will be making in the year to come. Only to be disappointed not so long after. Twenty-two days into the month of January, 2016 isn’t bringing me the magic I fervently hoped for it to appear.

The joyous spirit of the December holidays came and went by just as quickly. What follows after is none other than the utter drudgery faced by the masses, as though certain scenes from certain Orwellian classic have been re-enacted. It’s horrible. The liveliness that was present a moment ago faded and the mood became overwhelming dull. I hate to say this but there seem to be this foul, stubborn stench that permeates so prevalently in the air, as if something is decomposing, that I am choking on it. I hate it. Walking on the street is another sight to see, people are mostly glued to their phones and almost no one reciprocates a simple smile. Yeah, I get it, I’m too fugly for you to waste your muscle huh?   

I am beginning to take a different perspective at several things. And I am starting to hate these internal changes within myself. I am starting to hate a lot of things.

I hate not getting the sincere recognition. I hate getting fed with sugar-coats. I hate having my hopes held so high up then having them all tumbling all back into solid ground. I hate living one lie after another lie. I hate not getting the love I ought to be getting. I hate not earning enough, not saving enough, not working enough. I hate basic human interactions. I hate trying. I hate listening to fake laughter, subtle insults, blatant insults, and gibberish. I hate not having the inspiration to write. I hate how my 100 books New Year resolution is overly ambitious.

I hate how my act of sincerity gets ignored.

“Hate” is a strong term, I guess this is justifiable.

 

Most importantly, I hate being so hypocritical.

2S-druid-crop

“Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.”

Yeah, that motto is too damn hard to live by.

Because it hurts.

It hurts both to lie and to tell the truth.

It hurts when I breathe.

It hurts every day and every night.

It hurts every time I see people outside interacting.

It hurts even if I see a child having fun.

It hurts to see students in uniforms.

It hurts to eat.

It hurts to sleep.

It hurts to walk.

It hurts to do anything.

It hurts to think of you.

It hurts to even try not thinking of you.

You see, I paint this beautiful lie within myself, convincing that I don’t care but the horrid truth is I do. And trying to live by this lie, is literally killing me. I cannot forgive the mistakes I made, or remember the decisions I took, or forgo the people I interact, most importantly I cannot forget you.

It just hurts. 

And there are no clearer words to describe this agony. These three words say it all.

Try Hard

Call me a try hard because that is the truth.

I fall into this category of trying to fit in, and every single time I try, I ended up being a big failure.

It is as if there is some form of unexplained phenomenon happening within me, where there is no correlation between the actions I intend to portray and the ones I display.

Sometimes, it could be finding the right words to express something – a feeling, a statement, or an instance – but they never do come out of my mouth, or at least the way I intend them to be. Sometimes, the wrong words or the exact opposite words came out instead.

Sometimes it is the never-residing battle between my head and my heart, where rationalisation and emotions interlock in a self-fuelled confrontation that goes nowhere except for the invariable and inevitable fact that I still end up with some form of injury.

Sometimes it is coping with the fact that I can never create things that are truly my own. Not because there is no inspiration. But precisely because there is such great prevalence everywhere that I want to incorporate every single minute detail I observe, or read, or hear into a 20×20 portrait. The final piece either lacks a concrete structure or misses the point entirely.

Sometimes it is having found the determination to change and impress but because there exists a stubborn retardation or inertia that impedes the stimuli resulting in a never intended stagnation.

Call me a try hard because that is the truth.

How To Talk To Your Son About His Body

‘Don’t teach your son about “good” foods and “bad” foods, because food shouldn’t be subject to moral judgment. ‘

The Belle Jar

I loved this post on how to talk to your daughter about her body, and I wanted to create something similar for parents of boys. My friend Nathan and I put this list together, and would love to hear your input.

How to talk to your son about his body, step one: talk to your son about his body. Give him the vocabulary that he needs to communicate how he feels about himself.

Teach him that it’s normal to think about his appearance.

Teach him that it’s fine to want to be handsome or pretty.

Teach him that being a boy doesn’t take away his right to have feelings about his body.

If your son tells you that he is unhappy because he is too fat or too skinny, don’t dismiss him. Don’t tell him that boys don’t have to worry about stuff like that. Don’t tell him that he’s…

View original post 835 more words

What consumes your mind, controls your life.

2016 just started.

I am going to be 20 this year, in 10 months, in October.

And no matter how many times I try to find answers to certain questions or just trying to figure out where I am, I cannot help but admit that I am still lost. Lost in a world with an impossible crowd, a world where nothing truly lasts, a world with never-ending complications.

Where is this feeling if maturity or the sense of responsibility I ought to be displaying?
Where is the pride I ought to be feeling after volunteering for the less fortunate?
Why do dogs display such stubborn loyalty to men who are sometimes stupid?
Why are people so problematic to handle?

Why aren’t moral issues differentiated by just plain right and wrong?
Why are men expected to court women, and not the other way round?
What about the disdain and disagreement on same gender relationship?
What about the stereotypes that still pervades in the subconscious minds?

All these questions that float in my mind, I bring them all to sleep each night, and wake up the following day with a groggy headache.

I have 10 months to figure out. I doubt I will succeed finding the sense of closure to all these questions in the coming 10 months.

I guess, the most important question now is

“How does a caterpillar know when to spin a cocoon a evolve into a butterfly?”

2016 Resolution

2015 has ended.

2016 has begun.

And here I am, unable to recover from the things that 2015 has bestowed upon me. I supposed it will take some time.

But, I am determined. Determined to let go of everything that has pulled me downwards. It is a new year with a new beginning as well as a fresh perspective.

So, I am going to:

  1. Read 100 books in the year of 2016
  2. Record my life in details on my WordPress
  3. Save up for a trip to Japan
  4. Be more filial.
  5. Forgive and Forget.
  6. Learn to say “No!”
  7. Learn how to write Poems
  8. Prioritise

Wishing all a merry new year, and a pleasant journey ahead.