I feel like I am going through a period of transition. And like many transitions, I have this stubborn mentality that this would be the last one. The thing about transition is that it is different from maturation. The thing about transition is that it is coerced.
Yes, I feel moody lately. But no, I am by no means depressed.
This is part and parcel of an agonising process. It is agonising, and very much so especially since I let myself get exploited by emotions. I let the actions of others rule over my emotions, just like how water takes up the indefinite shapes in the palms of each individual. I get paranoid by the looks of others on their faces. I get overly elated by the achievements of others and feeling pathetic at the same time. I get dejected by the last messages on my phone, the cancelled lunch date, and the rejected phone calls. One moment you can see me laughing like some hysteric, another moment you can see me quietly ignoring the people around me. One moment, you can see me eating normally and in the other you can see me opting for no food.
Reading Norwegian Wood was not a good idea. In fact, reading Murakami now is not the best choice. I almost let myself die as I plunged deeper and deeper into the context. Thank god I managed to slam the book shut, stand up and walk away. Thank god for the chocolate bars in the fridge. But he’s good. In a manner, he taught me to be more conscious of the danger signs.
I guess I miss out a big part about how people are more cynical these days. And also, how hypocritical I have been.
Humans are selfish. It is true. We all seek to find that external benefits from others.
Mistresses seek the man of another family out of love, but we all know they want the money.
Thieves seek their target for the monetary and material possessions.
Men are bias, to the ones who have sentimental value, to the ones who have monetary values, to the ones who possess futuristic benefits.
As of late, I have been meeting loads of people who are like that. They are toxic. Meeting them makes me realise that my social anxiety is not without basis. Do you know that I have social anxiety? Yeah, I have that. I didn’t even know it. The fear of meeting new people and the phobia on how they will judge you that follows.
But there are some who are kind. Bless their soul and their life. If not for them, I would have been stranded in the ocean and who knows, probably get engulfed by it and become a denizen of the deep. Yet, the truth is that these people also have their stories. I really want to listen, to relieve of their burden just like how they did to me, but I am worried. Worried that I may be swayed away by the tides.
I wonder how at the end of the day, I would have change. I wish there is something that stays. But who knows? Frankly speaking, I don’t want to know. I just want to let myself be liberated.
這一哭 誰一鬧 那一痛 誰一抱
剩你我 兩隻魚 怎麼都 挨不到
View the translation here.
Oh, and thank you for being there in my life. You beautiful people. You know who you are.
DCHM, LT, AKKA, LYH, GWJ, TBH, JYWK, ASYX… … …
Cr: to whoever posted this gif.