My Life in Grey

I live my life in monochrome. It is a shade of grey. It is very unlike the silvery gloss that lacquers over skyscrapers, rather it is the dull kind, sort of like an enigma. It is not sadness nor is it depression. It is a mellow kind of solemness, with a little pinch of poignancy as well as an innate pleasantness.

Nothing speaks to me more than the color Grey.

My heart resonates with it. With each pump, blood gushes through the lungs taking in the toxins and spreading it throughout my body like wildfire. It is painless and it dulls my senses – I could not longer taste nor can I hear, except for that strong beating that resonates “lub-dub, lub,dub” inside me.

“It’s the air,” He said. “The air you breathe in has been polluting you.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Nothing speaks to me more than the color Grey.

My mind is engulfed by it. My thoughts and feelings, a very disorderly mesh of things, hide behind the color grey, like a silent stalking silhouette.

“It’s the words they say,” He carried on. “They made your thoughts turn obsolete, into nonsense.”

He’s darn right.

My life hasn’t been entirely monochromatic. There was a moment when it once was a spectrum of color, sometimes a shade of red, sometimes a hue of green, maybe purple but never grey, or black or white. That was a period of fun and studying. That was one year, two months and five days ago.

I recall that day, in vivid details, there were a lot of dreads. There were a bunch of hoo-has that happened, but I transitioned at the end, adopting the monochromatic color scheme and falling really really sick.

Throughout the entire journey, I couldn’t remember the number of times I flatlined. I couldn’t remember the number of times there was a single drop of color that entered my life,  all I remember was that it was momentary, eventually fading into nothingness in my greyish concoction just like how a glass of murky water envelopes any drop of colored paint that enters it. As what he narrated with surprising precision, “Orders were meant to be followed. Lessons meant to be learnt. Accomplishments meant to be ignored.”

That’s my life in a single shade of dull grey.

And I will continue bidding my time, never moving forward, never changing, always stagnating.

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