somehow cny doesn’t feel like cny
i am overthinking alot
i hate the feeling of suffocation that’s in my chest
i wish i am a faster worker
i wish i am a better reader
i wish i can an efficient reader
academic rigor? im not used to it
i didnt sign up for this.
my father did.
I think I am happy because I have friends who care, people who eat lunches with me, and people who compliment me.
I think I am also mildy sad because things are happening in me, and it’s not puberty. I wish it was though.
I was also told that things happen because they are meant to be. I no longer believe in destiny. It’s not bullshit but nothing is really happening. On a brighter note, I was also told that my writing has a voice and it means so much. The same people also told me that I used the ’em dash’ incorrectly.
I think life is going well for now. And I am becoming braver. I no longer apologise to the things I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for. Likewise, I learnt that apologies shouldn’t be given for the sake of it; it should be sincere and precise. The one drawback is that it may not work and I am still trying to learn how to recover from that.
It’s also strange because people think that I am smart. I’d thank them instead and tell them I am not. I try to be but words and logic don’t pair well with me, and this explains my sporadicity (if it’s even a word).
I wonder if anyone would die for me. I think some would. On the contrary, I doubt they will ever live for me.
I mean, you live your own life, right?
I told you the word it takes for me to crack and crumble, and I told you to tell no one else because I want you to be the only one, who knows and be the only one to hold on and never let go. I told you who my favourite band is, why I like ‘Misery Business’, and why red was never my colour even though it is yours. You told me cryptocurrency was the way to go, and you built me the way fools would jump on the Bitcoin bandwagon, only to fall steep and whole, and for some, never the same again. You beamed as the lights transitioned from electric blue to neon red. You shuffled away as DNCE got on, as the lights turned bright scarlet. The dance floor was never lonely. I was. But I still danced to the flow, keeping pretence, even though I felt myself crumbling. It was never the alcohol, it was you. Picking up whatever remnants of self-dignity and self-respect, I left, never looking back, never returning again.
in bursts of neon red and orange,
when smiles smear surreptitiously
and faces gawk in contempt.
The room stretches longer,
and shadows blush a shade darker.
I gird myself in the sheets waiting,
for the cut that follows the fall.
The stench of tobacco and phlegm lingers droopy,
a pebble daggling on a thin thread by the uvula.
I imagine myself turning blue,
lungs wrung, like tablecloths over a parched sink,
knees wobbly, like drunkards disorientated.
But I know better.
the sun still sets
fist-planting on our faces,
in shades of scarlet and gold,
the subtle hints of goodbyes.
I was never a good man.
But I am merely one,
of flesh and cheap wine.
I choke back a word,
because my mouth is full of splinters,
and the air is flammable,
and my veins are gasoline.
I need a light,
I need a light.
“If it’s important, don’t let go”, she said.
“I won’t”, I promised.
Not because love triumphs,
but because years do.
I’m struggling to find closure that this life is about to end and that a new one sits on the near horizon. Comfort has a way with shaping one’s behaviour and one’s desire to change.
I am never adventurous. Yet, I try anyway because I know experience shapes perception, and perception moulds opinions. And I want to be wise. But fear stains and sticks, so no matter how much I tell myself it’s going to be ok, there will always be a voice hounding at the back of my head.
I’m not ready. I never am. At least, I tell myself not yet.
It’s hot in here.
My soul, I mean.
I stand in a puddle
Of sweat, tears and excretion.
It smells of rain and overdue cigarettes.
My heart grimace.
As fumes strangle,
As he reappears.