Finding Happy 1.0

Life’s been a blur.

I’d be lying if I say I am busy. I’d also be lying if I say I am free. I find myself wondering how can one be so happening and unhappening at the same time?

At the very least I found what I like. Who I like. Why I like them.

At the very least I am giving them a chance. To embrace the love and hatred altogether.

I haven’t been reading much lately. The last book I read was “Still Alice” by Lisa Genova. And I have to admit that the content is still fresh in my head. I refuse to touch anything else. Maybe I have truly become lazy. I don’t know. But I reckon I ought to start reading soon if I want to complete my 2016 new year aspiration.

On the other hand, I wrote poems. Many poems. I gave them a fixed number of syllables, a fixed structure, a fixed word count per line and so on. I am proud of them. I’d like to think that they are poems, I really do, but I know they aren’t. Just irrelevant words and random sentences jumbled up together aesthetically presented – content-less.

Just like me.

Photo credits: Lye.

recluse

I am in the midst of what I call a form of “literary rehabilitation”. I guess you can call it a kind of recluse. Do not expect to hear from me anytime soon. Nor should you expect to see long posts. Nor any haikus. Until I figure out what is wrong with me, I will disappear. I hope it won’t take long. But I promise, I promise that I will return better and stronger. So sayonara, writing.

d.i.d

it’s been a mess lately. i was a mess. mary came down yesterday and called me an asshole. i shrugged. then as per normal she ran away. kate was devastated. martin tried to console her but to no avail. the thing about mary is that she is blunt and she is always right, and the thing about kate is that she misses mary alot and wants her to stay. martin, the poor 6 year old, knew something was wrong but just don’t possess the capability to handle the situation. and i stood there in the midst of all those and did nothing. well not absolutely nothing, i heeded hugo’s advice: let it all go. hugo is smart and intellectual and realistic but he rarely appears, and when he does things get done. the truth is, i need hugo. but he is no where to be found.

mood

today it rained. and i have never liked the rain any better. in a way, i feel comforted. you see, things haven’t been working well for me. i get irritated frequently these days, and i get tired as a result. that’s not all, my hypocritical metre went bogus and i am going mad, and sad, and restless. it’s not depression because if it was i would have drowned myself in cheap wine. i hate whining about it but i guess it is a form of relief. the subject matter, the whole mesh of emotions, is hard to describe, and i shan’t go into details; but the thing is i feel sad for no apparent reason. one moment i am laughing at the Chewbacca lady and in a split second, i felt bad.

lately, i feel as if things are not going to work out. i feel as if my life will plunge into turmoil at every bend. i feel as if people are turning on me, i feel like i don’t belong here nor there. i feel betrayed when letters don’t return. i feel both equally starved and full at the same time. i feel insignificant. i feel bad. i feel bad for feeling bad. on the bright side, i no longer suffocate and i guess i have grown a little.

i wish i feel better. i really do.

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僕の失敗

“So I heard you made it into university, congratulations.”

Hmm?

“So which course did you apply to?”

I’m sor

“Must be English, right? You have always been great with written words, it would be a waste of talent if you didn’t enrol into some English course.”

Thank you but –

“Gosh, I’m starving. They all look so appetising. Hmm. What should I have? Fish and Chips?”

“Nah, shan’t. Too oily.”

“Al Fungi. I shall have Al Fungi. Waiter. Can I have the Al Fungi please? What do you want?”

“Al Fungi.”

“Make it two then. Thank you.”

Thank you.

“I’m so happy for you really. Study hard yeah? I know you have it in you.”

Thank you … 

Lerology

Hey there,

After utmost considerations, I have decided to give my WordPress a complete makeover. A new URL, a new header, a new title, and most importantly, a new theme. You might ask:

Why the sudden change?

I have to agree that this is sudden after all this is a decision I made on the way home after a long, mentally-exhaustive week in camp.  But this is a decision I have been deliberating for quite awhile, and I think you all deserve to know why.  But before I carry on, it is impertinent to first comprehend the creation of the previous blog, “The Awkward Moment”.

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I started “The Awkward Moment” or “DeepMarvel” back in 2013 when I was still a college student in MJC. Unlike the many other blogs (666 Pages.Blogspot, The Love Coffin, InvisiblePerspectives etc), “The Awkward Moment” was one of my better and more refine pieces of ‘crap‘.

When it began, it was all about movie reviews, drama reviews and finding the next big thing. I was always trying to find things to write every week. Trying to churn pieces after pieces of reviews that people might like. I guess it was the motivation to see the numbers on my statistics page grow that spurred me forward. The “big break”, although a short-lived one, came after I wrote the “3 Peas in a Pod” movie review, which garnered almost a thousand views -a pretty big feat for the insignificant me then (And now).

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Without hesitation, I credited this success to my love for writing. I figured it was this passion that gave me the inspiration that garnered the views and visits on my WordPress. I was happy.

Or so I thought.

Unfortunately, I was pretty much deluded. I hadn’t even realised that I had been lead into a trap – The trap of wanting to fit in. It took me a while to comprehend this profound revelation, and I am glad that I did eventually.

You see, all those efforts then most definitely do not represent a single iota of my passion. Frankly speaking, I was not even certain that writing was a passion of mine back in 2013. I was merely making use of this grand notion, “THE PASSION FOR WRITING”. In other words, I was looking for something to write for the sake of gaining popularity, for the sake of trying to be the next big online sensation.

With that, I panicked. I figured I needed a break to readjust my thinking. So I did. I blogged lesser and abstained from WordPress for a while.

I returned to “The Awkward Moment” months later, and this time, I figured it should function as a diary. Pieces such as, “Conscription“, “Ebullience“, “Denizen” came into picture. And I was back on track.

People, friends mostly and a couple of other bloggers (LoudThoughtVoicedOut,ImagennBlogIllicitChrysalism and more) from the WordPress community, actually praised me for the pieces I wrote over the months and years. Looking back, I saw myself grow. The style I adopted in 2013 was different in 2014, and the one in 2014 was obsolete in 2015. You can almost see a cycle of beginnings and endings. But most importantly, you can see a change in perspective and maturity in what I presented. (Compare: “Incunabula (2015)” with “Effort, Time and Affinity and what not (2016)”  )

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Eventually, I began writing more frequently and fervently, not because people complimented my progress or what not, but rather I realised there is this subtle satisfaction of being able to pen down the feelings inside me – word for word – on a platform that allows other to relate to. Before I know it, I discovered that the more I write, the more I enjoy writing.

In a sense, “The Awkward Moment” was reborn.

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Which brings me back to the main question, why change?

As you might or might not know, things haven’t been going on smoothly for myself in the past few months, especially in the past weeks. I was, in a way, entangled and had absolute trouble getting out of this mess. I felt horrible and I knew a part of me had died somewhere inside. I needed time to recover that forgotten carcass.

In a way, I am sick of feeling pathetic and down. In a way, I want to be normal again. So, I figure I need to start anew, I need a new chapter, a whole new beginning. So I came up with the idea of a new theme for the blog,”Lerology“(the first half of my name “Ler Jun” + second half of “Biology“). Essentially through this, I want to be able to better express my thoughts as well as my feelings in a manner that is intimate, holistic and grounded.

So, goodbye to my old link: DeepMarvel.wordpress.com and welcome to LEROLOGY.

This is a fresh start. And I am excited. 

I hope you are too.

And many thanks to all those who have been supporting me.

 

Love,

Demetrius Sng Ler Jun

Singapore