Inertia.

I wish the world would stop spinning. I am sick of being dragged around by nothing but inertia, and tired of feeling nauseated at everything that comes flying in my face. What I really want is to feel alive again. To be more spirited, kinder, gentler, and stronger. I want to notice the world in details, details that are so minuscule that under normal circumstances would underwised go unnoticed unless everything freezes, like that crease on your forehead, or the sparkle in your eye, or the snowflake in your hand, or that smirk when you beat me in a game, or that gasp when you let the splatter of oil rebounded onto your hand while you try preparing breakfast. I wish the world would stop spinning. I really do.

Bangkok Woes

“We seek wholeheartedly to find the right person in a world with an impossible and seemingless crowd. We sieve through countless possibilities and through varying encounters every single day of our life hoping to make the unexpected expected. We yearn to pursue and be in pursuit, and in the progress and process we dress and change to achieve and impress. All of which to find the special someone or be the special someone. The someone who shares the right personality, the right voice, the right company, the right attitude, the right physique, the right thinking, or simply put, the right everything. Sometimes we are lucky, we settle down, have sex, have children and a family. Sometimes we are unlucky because things could not work out the way we envisioned to be.

And sometimes, we fall for someone who is already deeply in love with someone else … … …“

The above post is inspired from some shit that happened in Bangkok. Shit indeed.

Why can’t someone just fall in love with me?

“Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.”

–  Helena Kvarnstrom

If only, I have the courage that surpasses my woes. Why can’t someone just fall in love with me?

我还是爱你的

有人说，过去的都已过去。

过去的事无法挽留，无法挽救。

你告诉我要坚强，要放开点。

你鼓励我寻找我的另一半。

但你并不知道。。。

现在的我，已是空荡荡的。

已不是以前那么的活泼，那么的开朗，那么的勤奋。

你有所不知，

其实我还是爱你的。

Dying

It’s dying.
My writing is dying.
Nothing is coming.
I’m done fussing.
Nothing is helping.
I’m done trying.
But for the last time,
Someone help me.
My writing is dying.

I see you.

The field is empty.
Except for the little dandelions.
And the little butterflies that flutters.
But I see none of it.
I see no flowers, no grass, no butterflies.
For there in the field,
I see you.

You,
In your magnificence,
In your bestowed glorification.
In every aspect of my life.

You see,
I love you.

To my future self.

I hope you are not dead, yet.
And even if you are, I hope you die in your sleep.
Not from drug overdoses,
Not from any slit wrists.
But from sickness and in peace.

If you are alive,
Have things progressed the way you envisioned it to be?

Are you finally in University?
Are you finally making money?
Are you a father? Or just a husband?
Or is it still the same as before?
Still hiding behind the rainbow,
Looking down in envy.

It is funny speaking to you in this manner,
When you are older than I am
But age plays no role because
We are one and the same.

I know you, and you know that I know I mean you good.
Please be humble, and never arrogant.
Forget the Past.
Embrace the Future.
And remember to smile.

Don’t give up. Don’t let go.
You are never weak.
The truth is, you are the strongest person I have ever meet.

The above post was inspired from the following author, Ms Ritika. Read her blog here or the original piece here.
Many thanks to Ritika for inspiring myself and the many others!

Alone

We walk in a world with an impossible crowd.
We meet new people each day.
Yet, we are actually alone.

You see, people come and go as they please.
And I think,
We have all learnt to live with it at some point.

How many times have we begrudged
That some people are not as binding
As we hoped they will be?

Isn’t it laughable
To claim that goodbyes open the doors
To new beginnings,
When beginnings are more often than not
Short-lived?

After all,
‘hello’ is the beginning of another ‘goodbye’.

And the truth is that,
There is nothing more to look forward to beyond an end.

Frustration

I have passed the stage of bothering to make a conscious effort of filtering whatever nonsense that goes through my head. I have passed the stage of giving a damn to what emotions I feel. I am going to let the bottle overflow. Let every emotion leak out, like a faulty and rusty pipe, and making damn sure they pollute every single stream I come across.  I am, at present, the most vulnerable as well as the most emotional. No, I am not attention seeking. But, yes I am close to breaking. After all, I have been living and dictating my life over a stupid yet minuscule burden, a nerve-wrecking and heart-wrenching decision that I cannot settle. I need a distraction.

Is anyone there?

Hello?

Words do not wipe away tears, fingers do.

I wish I can describe how I am feeling right now.

But there is nothing.

And I supposed this is because the subject matter is either unidentifiable or wholly absent.
But I know…

My presence at your darkest hour is not a persuasive enough reason to capture your heart.

I guess there is no meaning to all the time spent on the midnight calls and the incessant messages.

Nor is there meaning to all the enthusiasm and anticipation about your news, except for the fact that those were just immature acts of desperation.

It’s funny how you reserved those tears solely for me, as if I don’t matter, as I am an emotionless being. The truth is, my heart ached when I saw you in that pathetic state.

I am giving up.
I am letting go.

Because you need to understand that words do not wipe away the tears, fingers do.